Funny Bunny

Well, Easter has come and gone, and what do people focus on? Death and Resurrection? Salvation by Grace?

Bunnies. In particular, one very large, stealthy, egg-obsessed, and sugar-addicted bunny: The Easter Bunny.

Think about it. Here we have a rabbit whose primary job in life is to sneak into people's homes on the eve of one of the holiest days of the year, take all their coloured boiled eggs, hide them in the backyard or living room, and then leave loads of candy in a basket. Just what kind of perve is this buck-toothed, long-eared, intruder?

The sneaking part is bad enough. How comfortable are you knowing that a six-foot rodent is sashaying around your parlour whilst you are unconscious in the next room? Make sure you aren't wearing orange pyjamas or you might get mistaken for a large carrot. How would that look in the in the papers the next day? ADULT EATEN BY EASTER BUNNY. The NY Post would go one better of course: "BUNNY DEVOURS LOCAL HONEY" or "PARENTS BECOME HUMAN CARROTS" or even "GIANT STALKER NIBBLES OPRAH." Admittedly, this last one might amuse Steadman, who would be the prime suspect apart from E.B.

The leaving candy is a ruse. Choc-ie bunnies? Candy eggs? Obviously the Easter Bunny is in league with the national dental associations. Then there's Candy Corn (or Maize). Just what the hell is this stuff, anyway? It doesn't look like corn/maize, or even small overripe bits of hominy. What it looks like are rather dodgy vampire teeth that haven't had the blood stains brushed away in a few centuries. Maybe on Halloween, but Easter? Watching children eating those little chick-shaped peeps is gory enough for me.

It's the egg-hiding that is the strangest thing. What's the ruddy point? "Look, I can barely hide eggs!" Whoopie. How impressive. It's like some sort of anti-cholesterol protest gone all stroppy.

No, it's triple locks on the doors and plenty of lights on around the flat. Let the Easter Bunny contend with the guard dogs and the Neighborhood Watch. We like our eggs right where they are thanks. If you want to leave chocolate, send it by post.