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Thursday, July 27, 2006

*SHRIEK* The World Five Times Worse

Well, we've all heard the devastating news about our hero, our friend, our legend among legends, our very own Burglekutt. Yes, every sad thing you've heard is truer than any truth you've ever heard. Mister Mark "Golden Tones" Northover has left his earthy shell and ascended into the heavenly places beyond the stars. I commend Simon Thomson, the webmaster of his official site, for tracking down the truth, as bitter a pill to swallow as it is, and passing this information along to us on the official website, but, my stars and gravy, this is Five Times Worse than anything I ever wanted to hear. I might just have to set fires in my backyard to alleviate my disappointment. Oh, they won't be large fires, just small piles of torn up cereal boxes and old dried-out and crusty socks doused in kerosene and lit on fire with an antique Zippo. Don't worry, I will have an off duty firefighter on hand to make sure the fires don't get out of hand. *Sigh* Don't try this at home kids. Leave the fire starting to disappointed professionals.

At a time like this, we can only reflect on the fact that all the good guys are gone, and only bad people are left. We can also reflect that the new Star Trek movie is doomed. All this time, they've had Mark Northover cast as Spock's torso, and he's been gone from this broken old earth since 2004. Hmmm, just exactly who was portraying Spock's torso and pretending to be Mark Northover, I wonder? The name Danny Devito comes to mind, but talking about or thinking about Danny "Ostrich Egg Torso" Devito is Five Times Worse than staring at the poster on my wall of Mark Northover for several hours of deep and mournful contemplation and whistling of old show tunes.

There's only one way to alleviate this degree of diappointment, friends, and that is by watching Steve Ballmer, CEO of Microsoft, prance around, screaming, and being the sweatiest human being who has ever lived. You can find him doing this, as he does on a weekly basis, at this website. Please watch, please dance along with sweaty, sweaty Steve Ballmer, and please forget, if only for a few moments, that the brightest light in the United Kingdom has passed from the earth, leaving us in decay and ruin. Thank you and good day.

P.S. -- The Steve Ballmer video is also excellent if you have a strange obsession with the word "developers." You'll never hear the word "developers" spoken so many times in three minutes, so enjoy it while the enjoying is good. It's good to know Microsoft is in the hands of such sweaty, one-word-spouting persons.

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