The Torso Must Go On

Well, the good news is that the horrific and irreparably unfortunate ascension to glory of Mark Northover has not brought the new Star Trek movie's production to a permanent halt. Those of you who aspire to be Five Times Better by keeping track of entertainment news will remember that Mark Northover was cast in the role of Spock's torso in the movie. According to my top secret source, Mark's replacement is none other than Soughton Lampington, an actor with a few minor credits in such films as Walter--Awake and Asleep and Bag Ladies in the Heart of Hell, as well as a starring role in the indie hit Seven Eyeballs in Peanut's Food Pail.

While it's more than true that Soughton Lampington can never hope to play the role of Spock's torso with even a tenth of the gravitas or veritas of our cherished Mark, one hopes he will not embarrass his family in the process. Recently, Soughton Lampington was interviewed by his hometown newspaper, The Aughttown Republicrat-News Intention. An excerpt of the interview follows.

ARNI: Well, Soughton, you've come a long way since your days as the horse clothier of Aughttown. Tell us, how did you get this part?

Soughton: Well, it's really quite amazing, to tell you the truth. I just wore Saran Wrap pants for a few days while wandering around Los Angeles, and suddenly my agent told me I had the part.

ARNI: Will you wear adult diapers during the filming of Star Trek, as you did throughout high school and on into your five unfortunate years as Trough Scrubber in the Souse Meat Plant?

Soughton: You know what happens when I and excitement mingle! So....yes...

ARNI: What new ideas will you bring to the part of Mister Spock?

Soughton: I intend to portray him less as a green-blooded logical alien and more as a sort of wandering dwarf-shaped torso with robotic arms. Kind of a shrieking, you know, weird janitor type of person rather than just an emotionless slob of a loser.

ARNI: That's great. We can't wait to see your performance. How was it, working with director Hectorforce Uilhox?

Soughton: Other than the mouth kisses, it wasn't too bad. He likes to sit in a barrel of fresh sweet corn while directing, with, you know, short shorts on and a big fake velcro moustache glued to his upper lip. It was inspiring, sort of like the olden days when William Shatner would love us through song.

ARNI: It sounds like this will be the best Star Trek movie in the history of time.

Soughton: Yes. Either that or I'll set my backyard on fire.

ARNI: Exciting.

Soughton: ...

ARNI: Yes.