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Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Far Out Space Nuts

I have been silent too long. When the story of the wacked out female astronaut who traveled half the country, wearing a diaper, to confront a romantic rival for the affections of a fellow astronaut came to light on Monday, I reserved judgment. Sure she was "wearing a diaper", but it was explained that astronauts wear diapers when on the launch and descent phase of shuttle missions, so who can cast a stone. Sure she was "wearing a wig and trench coat", but that describes half of the people in Los Angeles. Sure she "sprayed her with mace, had a bag containing a knife, rubber tubing, a mallet, BB gun, and black "OJ" gloves", but who knows what you might find in any one of our cars, I usually can't even see the floor in mine for all of the toys, papers, candy wrappers, and black "OJ" gloves". However, when I heard from Yahoo Buzz that searches for "astronaut diapers" had risen dramatically I immediately knew this was a story that I had to blow the cover on.

Not wanting to waste time traveling to Florida, only because I'd only end up at Disney World, I decided to call and get an interview with someone at NASA to discuss the alarming news. I was finally able to get an interview with Gene Rodan, the NASA coordinating liason officer for media continuity and mission profile management managing manager.

Stew: Gene, we're all a bit perplexed by what we've heard in the news.

Gene: Yes, we're still scratching our heads around here wondering if we could have known and prevented this somehow.

Stew: Well let's just get to the meat of the issue, tell us about astronaut diapers.

Gene: Uh well, when astronauts are in the acsent or descent phase of mission operations they wear adult diapers because removing the ACES suit wouldn't be practicle and would usually be prohibitive.

Stew: Really? So they wear a Depends so they don't have to pee in the suit.

Gene: Yes, but I thought we were going to discuss issues of astronaut training and the stringent requirements that...

Stew: But don't you think the diaper thing is more interesting?

Gene: Well, I wouldn't know, I guess some people with a perverted sense of logic.

Stew: Yahoo Buzz says it's maxing out the searches on the internet.

Gene: I'm sorry we're going to have to terminate the interview.

Since Gene seemed to want to keep a tight lid on the whole "astro diaper" question, I decided to take another slant with the story. Since the entertainment value to stories like this seems to be the most important to the average Joe Six-pack I decided to quiz celebrities on the issue. But not just any celebrities, I decided to ask the ones that had played astronauts or space travelers of some sort.

"Well I really don't know what this has to do with acting. I enjoyed my time on I Dream of Jeannie and I really don't want to discuss astronaut diapers. It hits a little too close to home if you know what I mean."

-Major Anthony Nelson (Larry Hagman)

"Yes, Bob Denver was a saint of a man and was not the moron people made him out to be after Gilligan's Island. I think from that time on he was hopelessly typecast. Now what's this about astronaut diapers? Never heard of such a silly thing."

-Barney (Chuck McCann) Far Out Space Nuts

Since that didn't seem to be going well, I decided to just make up some comments.

"Yes, I am wery concerned about the cosmonaut diaper situation in Star Fleet. The disposal alone will keep the Kiptain wery busy, when will he have the time to wet his wessel, if you know what I mean."

-Ensign Pavel Chekov (Walter Koenig)

"Ok, Tony. Astronaut diapers? Will Jeannie be wearing them?"

-Major Roger Healey (Bill Daily)

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