It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Super Bowl Ads You'll Never See

The Super Bowl is over and with Canton having defeated Oxnard, the world can turn its attentions back to...what's that? Oh, sorry, Indianapolis beat Chicago. Whatever. I'm a Cowboys fan, so what do I care. We all know the real reason most of America and the world tuned in... to see the adverts.

Unfortunately, there are a few you didn't see.

**********

(Scene - Two gentlemen in long shot, one tallish and well groomed, the other short and balding on top, meet in front of the Beverly Hills Hotel)

Narrator: Two Bungalow Suites in the Beverly Hills Hotel: $1,900.

(Long shot - They climb into a Lamborghini Murcielago)

Narrator: One Lamborghini Murcielago sports car: $300,000.

(Long shot - The two are at a table in a club. Close up of the table, full of limoncellos and empty glasses, their hands stagger into shot for another glass.)

Narrator: 48 limoncellos: $288.

(Medium shot of a police officer. The two men, George Clooney and Danny DeVito, stagger up behind him and "pants" him. They then jump into the Lamborghini and immediately drive it into a storefront window.)

Narrator: A night on the town of celebrity hell-raising: Priceless.

(Medium shot of Clooney and DeVito being put in the drunk tank.)

Narrator: There are some things money can't buy. for everything else, including bail, there's MasterCard.

**********

(The offices of GoDaddy.com. An "executive" is showing the television audience around.)

Executive: Here at GoDaddy.com, we work hard to make sure our customers are satisfied.

(Pan to the main office, behind the executive. Several young, busty women, in tight, flimsy tank tops and shorts are dancing around to loud rock music. Some are dancing on a large executive meeting table in the centre of the room. Several men are ogling them and variously - spraying water on them, being fed grapes by them, and tucking dollar bills into their shorts.)

Executive: As you can see, we spare no expense in...

(There is a sudden loud crash and large double doors in the back of the room burst open. A horde of moderately dressed women rush into the office. Some are wearing slacks or loose fitting jeans. Others are wearing dresses that fall well over the knee. They are all of various sizes and shapes. Some are wearing glasses, all with varying and unstylish frames. They all have t-shirts that read either: NOW with (is the time to kick butt!) in smaller but visible letters underneath OR Moral Majority with (all over your A**!) in smaller but visible letters underneath.

NOW Assault Team Leader: All right, you sexist GoDaddy creeps, prepare to eat Playtex!

Moral Majority Assault Team Leader: That's right whoremongers, get ready to be smited!!

(The women storm the room. General chaos breaks out. Shots of: One of the skimpily dressed young women having her hair pulled from behind by one of the Moral Majority women; a reedy looking man being beaten about the head by one of the NOW women, who is using what looks like a Converse Chuck Taylor model canvas basketball shoe, pulled off her own foot; NOW members lauching flaming projectiles from a catapult fashioned from a burning bra; Several Moral Majority women swinging from hanging lights into various GoDaddy.com personnel and beating them with large handbags; and finally, the GoDaddy.com executive being pile-driven on the large executive table by a middle-aged woman with a pony-tail.)

GoDaddy.com Executive: (speaking in a slurred voice) We spare no expense at GoDaddy dot...

(The woman bashes his head against the table. Cut to black.)

**********

(Shot of Earl Fando and Stew Miller standing in an ordinary home next to a a tall clear glass cocktail table with a large open bag of Doritos on it)

Earl Fando: Hi, I'm Earl Fando, celebrity blogger...

(Caption underneath Earl: Professional Doofus)

Stew Miller: ...and I'm Stew Miller, celebrity blogger...

(Caption underneath Stew: Renowned Goofball)

Both: Here for Doritos.

Earl Fando: Because Doritos have... (holding up the bag of Doritos)

Stew Miller: ...a fiesta in every bag! (Stew takes out a crisp and eats it)

(Cut to black. Spanish guitar music dramatically plays in background. Pan camera back to reveal that the black is the top of an enormous spangled sombrero that Stew is wearing. He looks up into camera with a wild look on his face and Doritos in his hands. Guitar music grows quicker. Earl is doing a clumsy dance around another sombrero as the music quickens. He is holding the bag of Doritos. Suddenly Stew appears in a matador's outfit. He swings his cape and a large, obviously fake bull rushes by, smashing into a buffet. Doritos fly everywhere. A mariachi band appears in the background behind the couch, playing loud music. Earl is playing the guitar in the band, jumping on to the couch and using a Dorito as a guitar pick. Stew rides by on a large fake horse, dressed as a bandito, with a bag of Doritos sticking out of his saddlepack. A line of dancing girls comes into view doing a combination of Flamenco and Rockettes line dancing and holding various flavoured bags of Doritos. Caption underneath the dancers: The Miller/Fando Dancers. A soccerball/futbol flies across camera. Earl dives in to make a header. The ball lands in a bowl of Doritos.)

(Close shot from behind two mariachi band members, with Earl, Stew, and the dancers in the background)

Mariachi Band Member #1: ¿Cuál es todo este absurdo?

(Caption: What is all this nonsense?)

Mariachi Band Member #2: ¡Las tortillas los hicieron locos!

(Caption: The chips have driven them out of their tiny little minds.)

(A bag of Doritos appears on screen in close-up.)

Earl Fando: (narrating) Doritos!

Stew Miller: (narrating) A fiesta in every bag!

(Cut to Earl, Stew, the dancers, and the Mariachi band, with instruments, all squeezed onto the couch in the room, watching the Super Bowl on television and eating Doritos. The crowd noise on the television rises dramatically.)

Television announcer: ...and it's a touchdown!

Earl and Stew: (excitely) Gooooooaaaallllll!!!!!!!

(The dancers and mariachi band shake their heads in disbelief.)

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