Glazer buys Manchester United?

"It was all a big mistake," said Manchester United supporter Ian Rothschild. "We were all ready to protest and demonstrate and boycott games, when the new owner of the club skid-turns into the car park outside Old Trafford in a Ford Gran Torino! A bright red one, with a big stripe down the side!"

Man United supporter Benny Cocxyx added, "He got out of the car, took three steps backwards, then took a flying leap across the bonnet, landed on his bum, slid down to the front of the car and stood there with his arms folded. It was so impressive, we all shouted, 'GOOOOAL!'"

Yes, thousands of Manchester United Football Club fans were scrambling about in a mad panic today, fearing that billionaire Malcolm Glazer, owner of the NFL's Tampa Bay Buccaneers, had bought out the club. What they didn't realize was that, in reality, the club had been bought by legendary actor Paul Michael Glazer, Starsky, from ABC TV's Starsky and Hutch.

"I like soccer. The Gran Torino's red. Manchester United wear red. I had a few billion in television residuals laying around. It was a natural," said Glazer, wearing shades, a leather jacket, and, despite Britain's stringent anti-gun laws, a shoulder holster carrying an automatic handgun the size of Ryan Giggs.

"This means a complete turnaround from this morning," said Man United Manager, Sir Alex Ferguson. "One minute, I was trying to figure out how well Manchester United Buccaneers was going to sound, and how quickly we could get orange kits with skull and crossbones. Now, all the new Chairman's told me to do is to work the Gran Torino racing stripe into the jersey, and make sure he, David Soul, and Antonio Fargas have box seats at the midline."

Glazer indicated that Manchester United planned to "blow away" the competition next season. Meanwhile, in a related story, 95% of Manchester residents admit that they have never heard of the television programme Starsky and Hutch.