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Friday, February 11, 2005

If the briefs don't fit, you must adjust it!!

Earl and Juan, it looks like we have awakened that sleeping giant known as our fictional legal department. I just received this e-mail from our head counsel F. Johnny Lee Cochran concerning our recent posts and others:

Stew, Juan, or Earl

First of all, I wanted to let you guys know we need towels for the restroom. With that out of the way, I wanted to bring to your attention some concerns that are raised by many of your recent posts. Between games of Minesweeper, the staff has noticed a tendency for some of the writing to get a little obtuse. While this isn’t a crime, we would like to see you tighten it up a little bit, because half of the time we don’t know what you’re talking about. Oh, and could you add a few “prima facies” or “habeas corpus’s” to the mix.

Now concerning your descent into the arena of rectal libations we must warn you that this is a sensitive area. We must suggest that you refrain from entering this area as the fallout can sometimes be quite unpleasant. We would not like to be faced with the briefs that would be related to it and could be at a loss for rebuttal.

In regards to the post in which you referred to Prince Charles as “Ole’ Bat Ears” we might suggest the use of “lobular challenged” or after looking at the picture of Camilla Parker Bowles, ocular challenged.

Concerning your use of the Whippet Song in Stew’s post, although we understand as parody it is acceptable, we don’t want to get mixed up with Devo’s lawyers. Do you realize those guys wear the same stupid hats? How would you like to sit in a conference room with six attorneys wearing those silly-ass hats? I once worked for Ringling Brothers and had to deal in some clown litigation… NEVER mess with a barrister wearing a pointy, colorful hat.

Anyhow, there’s a martini with my name on it, so you guys just do whatever the crap you want, AS USUAL.

F. Johnny Lee J.D.

You know, I might worry about what he wrote if I didn’t know that the J.D. stood for Jack Daniels.


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