Am I getting on your nerves, Luke?

Well, to cut to the chase, the Fando family were watching Star Wars for the umpteenth time again, as the American cable channels apparently have decided to celebrate the 30th anniversary of George Lucas's magnum horse operus in space by repeatedly showing it until people's heads hemmorage that goo that R2-D2 spits out when he gets all muddy.

They are very close in my case.

Anyway, the thing that caught my attention was Obi-Wan Kenobi's constant disembodied advice to Luke at the end of the film. It's odd enough that, instead of being shocked senseless by hearing the voices of dead friends in your ear in the pitch of battle, Luke merely responds with the same amount of emotion that one would expect from someone who's experiencing AM wireless interference.

I couldn't help but wonder though whether Obi-Wan begged off after that battle, or whether he continued to give Luke advice for the rest of his miserable Jedi life. If it's the latter, I suspect it went something like this:

**********

(Luke Skywalker is brushing his teeth. He puts down the brush, rinses, and begins to walk out.)

Disembodied Obi-Wan: Use the floss, Luke!

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(Luke Skywalker is a bar in Mos Eisley. He spies two attractive women, one brunette, one blonde, looking at him. He walks up to the brunette and starts to speak.)

Disembodied Obi-Wan: Choose the blonde, Luke!

**********

(Luke Skywalker steps up to shop register on Dantooine. He pulls out his Discover card.)

Disembodied Obi-Wan: Use the Visa, Luke! You'll get free spacemiles for every purchase!

**********

(Luke Skywalker walks up to the tee of a par 5 golf hole. He pulls out a driver.)

Disembodied Obi-Wan: Luke, use the 3-wood! Trust your feelings! Do you want to end up in the deep stuff?

**********

(Luke Skywalker is walking through the spaceport of Coruscant when he spies a landspeeder sales lot. He spots a particularly sleek speeder and eyes it with a smile.)

Disembodied Obi-Wan: Luke, buy the six-passenger model. You're not a kid anymore, you know. You think you can cruise around for birds with that gut?

**********

(Luke Skywalker is walking through the passages of the Millenium Falcon, when he spots Princess Leia. She is bending over, working on a circuit box.)

Disembodied Obi-Wan: Luke, don't think like that! She's your sister! (Musingly) Of course, if I weren't a disembodied voice... Bada-bing goes the light saber, if you know what I mean!

**********

(Luke Skywalker is walking down the high street in Naboo's capital city. He turns to go into a restaurant to order some sushi.)

Disembodied Obi-Wan: Luke, choose the New York Roll and the Alaska ...

Luke: AAAAARRRRGGGHH!!!! Why don't you just piss off, old man and leave me the hell alone?!

**********

It would have to end that way, wouldn't it?

So, 42 is the answer!

Everyone who remembers Douglas Adams brilliant Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy trilogy (in 5 books) also remembers that the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything is "42." No one ever figured out what the question was, though.

Well, as of today, I'm 42 as well. Yes, I know many of you surmised that I was 16 based on my sense of humour and ripplingly svelte physique, but you were wrong. I'm twoscore and two, is it turns out, and learning more about myself every day, but especially today. Today, the number 42 has revealed to me a staggering number of observations that younger me would not only have been incapable of reaching, but also too preoccupied with sex and sport to bother with. Now, I am fully prepared to address these staggering, mind-blowing revelations and share them with you.

Got a pencil handy? Here we go...

• The birds fancy grey hair. My lovely and devoted wife says it makes me look "distinguished." I was hoping grey hair would give me an animalistic overpowering sexuality, but I can live with distinguished if it pleases the missus and distinguished doesn't equal "doddering." Quite frankly, I look very, very, very distinguished. Soon, I shall not have a trace of indistinction left.
• Number 1 hurts more the older you get. Prepare yourselves. Of course, somewhere an 80 year old geezer is reading this and thinking, "Yes, but after 60, you feel it all less and less. I can't feel a thing there anymore." I don't even want to discuss number 2.
• Politicians are stupid gits. All right, I suppose I had that one already figured out at 16. It's reliable filler though.
• People passing the scene of an accident in their cars experience an IQ drop of between 50-100 points. I noticed that on the expressway this morning, as lines of traffic formed because people were too busy craning their heads to watch an accident on the other side of the other divided lanes to bother with somethign as trivial as the accelerator. The woman driving in front of me would have spun her head into Lind Blair territory if not for the the fact that, as she swung around in view of me, she noticed me gesturing wildly at her to speed the hell up. I don't know much sign language, but she seemed to get the message quickly enough.
• The memory goes. I know this because I can't think of any more of these outstanding revelations. I could have sworn there were at least 42 of them. Perhaps they'll come back at 43.