And now for a word from the Dark Side...

I was just thinking about my last post. As annoying as Obi-Wan Kenobi must have been to Luke Skywalker, it must have even been more frustrating for Luke to deal with the menacing, wheesing spectre of his deformed, yet heavily armed father, constantly trying to corrupt Luke's immortal soul. It'd be a bit like a really pesky used car salesman, only one who occasionally takes a poke at you with a light sabre.

Also, I never did understand that whole, "Turn to the dark side!/Hold still so I can cut your head off!" dichotomy. I mean, if Darth Vader wanted to convert Luke to the dark side, then why was he always trying to filet him with his giant, electronic Ginzu?

Anyway, Vader clearly had no sense of marketing the dark side, or Luke, Leia, Han, Yoda, and pretty much the whole galaxy would have been converted quicker than Tom Cruise can say "L. Ron Hubbard" in his theatan-free panic room. I think Darth would have had much better success had he sold the dark side with a little more finesse.

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• Darth Vader: Luke, turn to the dark side. They have free chequeing
  
• Darth Vader: Luke, I may not be able to convince you to turn to the dark side, but would you take a few moments and listen to my friend Heidi Klum?
  
• Darth Vader: Luke, the dark side tastes great AND is less filling!
  
• Darth Vader: Luke, do you know why they call it the "dark side?" Chocolate!!
  
• Darth Vader: Luke, look at the confidence the dark side has given my friend Bob... and check out the dude's light sabre!!
  
• Darth Vader: Luke, turn to the dark side! It's so easy a Wookie can do it!
  
• Darth Vader: Luke, Kirstie Alley lost 70 pounds by going to the dark side!
  
• Darth Vader: (In a thick, high Irish accent) Give up being a Jedi and turn to the dark side to drink more dark Guinness beer? Brilliant!

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Yes, I think I'm done with the Star Wars bits for a few weeks now...

Am I getting on your nerves, Luke?

Well, to cut to the chase, the Fando family were watching Star Wars for the umpteenth time again, as the American cable channels apparently have decided to celebrate the 30th anniversary of George Lucas's magnum horse operus in space by repeatedly showing it until people's heads hemmorage that goo that R2-D2 spits out when he gets all muddy.

They are very close in my case.

Anyway, the thing that caught my attention was Obi-Wan Kenobi's constant disembodied advice to Luke at the end of the film. It's odd enough that, instead of being shocked senseless by hearing the voices of dead friends in your ear in the pitch of battle, Luke merely responds with the same amount of emotion that one would expect from someone who's experiencing AM wireless interference.

I couldn't help but wonder though whether Obi-Wan begged off after that battle, or whether he continued to give Luke advice for the rest of his miserable Jedi life. If it's the latter, I suspect it went something like this:

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(Luke Skywalker is brushing his teeth. He puts down the brush, rinses, and begins to walk out.)

Disembodied Obi-Wan: Use the floss, Luke!

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(Luke Skywalker is a bar in Mos Eisley. He spies two attractive women, one brunette, one blonde, looking at him. He walks up to the brunette and starts to speak.)

Disembodied Obi-Wan: Choose the blonde, Luke!

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(Luke Skywalker steps up to shop register on Dantooine. He pulls out his Discover card.)

Disembodied Obi-Wan: Use the Visa, Luke! You'll get free spacemiles for every purchase!

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(Luke Skywalker walks up to the tee of a par 5 golf hole. He pulls out a driver.)

Disembodied Obi-Wan: Luke, use the 3-wood! Trust your feelings! Do you want to end up in the deep stuff?

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(Luke Skywalker is walking through the spaceport of Coruscant when he spies a landspeeder sales lot. He spots a particularly sleek speeder and eyes it with a smile.)

Disembodied Obi-Wan: Luke, buy the six-passenger model. You're not a kid anymore, you know. You think you can cruise around for birds with that gut?

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(Luke Skywalker is walking through the passages of the Millenium Falcon, when he spots Princess Leia. She is bending over, working on a circuit box.)

Disembodied Obi-Wan: Luke, don't think like that! She's your sister! (Musingly) Of course, if I weren't a disembodied voice... Bada-bing goes the light saber, if you know what I mean!

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(Luke Skywalker is walking down the high street in Naboo's capital city. He turns to go into a restaurant to order some sushi.)

Disembodied Obi-Wan: Luke, choose the New York Roll and the Alaska ...

Luke: AAAAARRRRGGGHH!!!! Why don't you just piss off, old man and leave me the hell alone?!

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It would have to end that way, wouldn't it?