Best American Cartoons of 2009

When Walt Disney and Ub Iwerks created Mickey Mouse in 1928 (or whatever year it was) they set wheels in motion that led directly to me. Over the last year or so, I have created cartoons that have helped heal America, almost helped elect Pip Clowson president (may he rest in peace), and united disparate groups like dorks and nerds. Well, then my animation software had to go and change the game! "Changing the Game" is LenoChin tactic number one, let me tell you.

Well, Earl Fando Excremando is pestering me to fix this and fix that. Look, I don't have time to fix things. My pants will fall off if I do that! And, look, I tried. I went back and tried to edit posts, but emotions boiled up and I fainted. So, let me take the easy way out and here before your luscious eyes give you every cartoon I ever created, starring America's sweetheart, Cakey the Jacked-Up Clown, also starring Pip Clowson, some dude named Jorge, and a whole cavalcade of Lawrence Welk-style attractions! Hurray for me!


<(CARTOONS CENSORED BY THE AMERICAN BOARD OF EDUCATIONAL CENSORS)>

Yes, It WAS the Last Chapter

I see ole Excremando is trying to defy people's last chapters again. He did the same thing to George Takei, and you see how George Takei put a stop to that sort of behavior. If you are not already familiar with the story, as well you should be, it goes like this:

In 1984, George Takei starred in a pilot for an NBC sitcom called "Hikaru's Last Chapter," about a man with a terminal vein condition who moves into a nursing home and learns to love again when he meets a kindly old lady with a mysterious past, played by the late, great Bea Arthur. Well, as we learn at the end of the pilot, the mysterious past of this mystery woman is that she once married a horse and fought in the civil war, but not on the side of the Union or the Confederacy. Instead, she fought for a third faction called the Nor'Eastern Horse Brigade. When George Takei finds this out, he ends the pilot with the punch line, "Never trust a lady, never trust a horse, and never, never, never trust a lady horse." Oh, the laughter.

But, as you might guess, Excremando, who at that time was a director of photography for the late, great sitcom producer, Norman Lear, argued with Mr. Takei that he could not film a pilot called "Last Chapter" because people would think the pilot was the last episode (which, technically, it was). And, of course, this led to a violent tirade from George Takei, who destroyed the set, went on a rampage down the hall, started a fire on the bathroom set of "Maude," and tried to stab Jamie Farr with a plastic spoon in the commissary. The network had to call in William Shatner from the set of "T.J. Hooker" to subdue Mr. Takei using his patented sleeper hold and a lullaby.

Well, Excremando would like to think we have all forgotten about that incident, so he can now defy last chapters again with impunity, but NO Earl Reginald Fando, I remember how you started the ticking time bomb that is George Takei down the road to ruin. I remember! So, having said my piece, I present you with a Cakey cartoon.

I Hope Your Heart is Gentled

I can feel the healing coming on like a rolling stone gathering no moss. I hope you are all feeling better than you were just one or two weeks ago. I know with all of my neck meat that I am carrying on the political objectives of Peanip "Pip" Clowson by writing this blog, making cartoons, and encouraging the world to endure the end of all things which is upon us shortly. Jorge and Cakey have something to say about that. Grab a sack of bagel chips, an ice cold Cel-Ray, and sit back for another exciting adventure:

Jorge and Cakey, together again forever

Cakey the Jacked-Up Clown is an actual person, believe it or not, who makes appearances, frightens people, embarrasses himself a lot, and performs at flea markets, county fairs and two-way petting zoos. I have teamed up with him to create a series of marvelously entertaining cartoons about the every day dealings of Cakey with his best friend and arch rival, Jorge Carlito Viejo. When you watch them, your heart will be mended by the joyous interplay of emotions and the subtle undercurrent of violence. Please bask in this:

Pip's Cartoon Calvalcade

I will never stop healing you, America. It's like when I was a boy, and I got the flu, and I threw up on the dog, and my mom forced me to drink Robitussin, and I smashed the Robitussin bottle with my teeth and ran out of the house, flinging shards of glass at passing cars, and my uncle finally tackled me and forced me to take my shot, and I got all sleepy. It's just like that.

So here is another cartoon:

Cartoons Will Heal America

Do you cry at night? Do you muffle your tender sobs by cramming a piece of styrofoam in your mouth, so that grandma will not hear you and call the police? Are you so terribly, terribly, terribly crushed earthward with the burdens of this un-Clowson American life? I am. My mind no longer works right. I put on my pants backwards and forget to comb my moustache. I brush my teeth but forget to floss behind my ears. I can't think straight. I can't walk without falling down. I breathe all wrong. When I try to eat my lunch, I smash bits of bacon into my eye holes and snort Heinz salad cream up my nostrils. My ears are oozing some kind of clear fluid. Everything is all off-kilter and sick. I attribute this to 1) economic woes, 2) Pip Clowson not being elected president, 3) Armageddon being just around the corner, 4) the closing of Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Clown College.

However, I can soothe all these aches and oozes with cartoons. When I was a little Five-Times-Better kid, I learned very early on that cartoons had the ability to make every bad thing good, to make every smelly thing flower-scented, to make every punch to the face a tender kiss from a mystical fairy. It is my solution to your pain, America. I am going to single handedly heal you with cartoons. I hope you are ready.

Soak this in and let it be a breath of satiation to you: